Thursday, October 30, 2008

CREDITS (Or Debits?)

"It's not about how good you are, but who gets the credit."
(Denny Crane)

There has been much debate, in the U.S. and abroad, regarding the experience level of both Barak Obama and, especially, Sarah Palin. Most would agree that there is a reasonable cause for concern, and it is this very situation that has elevated the press worldwide to become far more interested in the credentials of all individuals whose influence sway millions, whether they are leaders in the political, military, economic or entertainment arena.

As a result, it came as no surprise when the Needtovent hierarchy was approached by the respected research departments of both the Buddhist newspaper Hyundae Bulgyo and the Winnemucca Sun inquiring about the credentials and experience level of our Founder, CEO and Supreme Potentate -- Robert A. Nowotny. Our response to these requests, which were made through official channels and in full compliance with applicable international laws governing such disclosures, is posted below. Be advised that this listing is an abridged compendium of Mr. Nowotny's credits and accomplishments due to space limitations and an admittedly less-than-perfect memory. It is anticipated that additional credits will be forthcoming in the weeks ahead.

Robert A. Nowotny Resume -- Part I
(Credits Listed Alphabetically)

2nd Lieutenant in the Fighting 69th Airborne
Academic Tutor (College Level)
Actor (Stage, Screen and Television)
Advertising Copywriter
Advocate (For the IRA -- County Clare and Dublin)
Animal Trainer
Anti-War Demonstrator
Automobile Racer (Drag Strip and Open Wheel)
Baseball Umpire
Beauty Pageant Judge
Blackballer and Fraternity Hazing Specialist
Boom Operator
CableACE Awards Judge
Cattle Herder
Cave Guide and Spelunker
Christmas Tree Salesman
Clown (Intentional and Unintentional)
Co-Founder -- The German Rocket and Science Foundation
College Graduate (BBA and MA -- both with Honors)
Corporation CEO, CFO and COO
Court Jester
Day Trader
Decider (Like George W.)
Duck Wrangler
Economic Stimulus Participant
Electric Utilities Repairman
Film Festival Founder and Judge
Fly Fisherman
Frog Gigger
Grocery Stock Boy
Historical Researcher
HOA Nazi (Retired)
Homing Pigeon Racer
Hunter (Deer, Dove, Quail and Snipe)
Infidel (So charged in France -- Unrepentant)
Jazz Record Producer
Jehovah's Witness Interrogator
Leaf Blower
Left Fielder -- Roy Hobbs Baseball League
Lecturer (Land Based and Cruise Ship)
Libation Mixologist (Creator of the rum-based "Stem Christi")
Linoleum Salesman
Liquid Fuel Rocket Engineer
Master Of Ceremonies
Motion Picture Producer, Director, Writer, Editor
Mountain Biker
Newlywed Game Auditionee
Nielson Family Member
Off-Shore Drilling Rig Roustabout
One-time card carrying member of The Groucho Club (London), BPOE, Rick's Cabaret and the Zuider Zee Lunch Bunch
Original Member -- Inner Mongolian Liver Flukes
Pall Bearer
Panel Moderator
Pin Boy (Bowling Alley -- Not Pinhead)
Pine Beetle Eradicator
Plumber -- Unlicensed (Just like Joe...)
Pole Vaulter
Political Campaign Chairman
Political Pundit
Private Pilot, Instrument Rated
Published Author (Fiction and Non-Fiction)
Radio DJ
Real Estate Investment Advisor and Speculator
Rock Band Promoter
SAG Liaison
Skateboard Designer
Ski Instructor
Snake Handler (Non-Religious)
Solicitor -- Nuevo Laredo & Ciudad Acuna
Sports Announcer
Stand-Up Comedian
Still Photographer
Student of Theology
Studio Recording Engineer
Teacher (College Level -- Undergraduate and Graduate)
Telephone Solicitor (for non-profit)
Woman's Softball Team Manager
Zealot (Miscellaneous Causes)
Zoysia Lawn Subsistence Provider