BELLA NAPOLI

Review by Jerry L. Nelson


Just like a poltergeist, I’m baaaack! Where have I been, you have every right to ask. Well, it’s like this….I decided to quite being a lump on the couch and try and reverse sixty two years of abuse and damage in just a few short months….hired a trainer, went on a diet and lost fifty pounds (oh, I know right where they are if I ever need to fit into that XL wardrobe I now have in the closet), and have started running again. I only hope my new lifestyle with all the exercise will offset the effects of my passion for food and good wine….but I digress.

My first effort in my comeback was quite interesting and pleasantly surprising. The mantra of the real estate business has always been “location, location, location,” and you have to feel for the three previous tenants of this rather plain from the outside building on 281 North which now houses restaurant number four in just the last three or so years. The first attempt was just a pizza joint, the second tried to combine pizzas with an arcade for the young set, while the third effort was intended to be a steak house….all three failed in just a matter of months. So here comes number four, this time concentrating on pasta and a whole lot more, but offering pizza for those apparently few who just have to have their pepperoni fix once in a while.


Enter Chef Ray Memedovski and his lovely companion Michelle. Ray is Albanian who grew up in Macedonia. This is not the first time I have run across that combination in the Italian restaurant field….seems the Albanians must have a bit of an edge when it comes to cooking Italian. There is a history behind Ray and Michelle….seems Ray is Gino’s cousin….that would be Gino, owner of the Italian Garden in Hancock….in fact Ray and Gino, along with the lovely Michelle, opened Tuscany a while back, just down the road at the bridge. As in so many business opportunities with relatives, there are many rough sailings and then a divorce. But this has turned out to be a good thing because it gave Ray the chance to open up Bella Napoli and we reap the benefits of that.

I recently asked my Italian friend from Boston if he wanted to join me for an evening there. His immediate response was, “I can already tell what it will be like, ordinary, at best.” I reminded him that if we failed to go check it out, Bella Napoli would turn out to be that hidden gem and we would have overlooked it. He still wasn’t convinced but accompanied me just the same. His first reaction upon entering was “WOW”….what great decorating of the interior (thank you Michelle)….bright contrasting colors and even two smaller, separate dining areas for group functions, plus a soon to be operational wine and beer bar. One of those benefits right now, since he still doesn’t have a liquor license, is you can bring your own alcohol at no charge….not even a corkage fee. Needles to say, we were prepared for that eventuality and had not one but two bottles of grape juice with us. The wait staff is cheery and pleasant to look at. (Can’t believe it has taken me four paragraphs to get to the food….must be my new lifestyle….yuck.)


Understand, I have been there three times by now, along with guests, and we have all had something different each time. Let me not forget, my Italian friend was very apologetic to me and most impressed with Chef Ray’s offerings our first time there. It did turn out to be a very nice little “hidden gem.” At the top of my list would be the Veal Marsala, while one of my companions had the Veal Picatta. The veal should be a dish unto itself for it is some of the best restaurant veal I have ever been served….thin and fork tender, just a hint of crispness from being pan sautéed....and the Marsala sauce is simply outstanding. Include the mound of mushrooms served over all and you have one of the best entrees in this area. Ditto on the Picatta with capers. I’m not a fan of angel hair pasta for it is usually overcooked, something easy to do since it is so thin, but the accompanying angel hair was perfectly al dente.

On my second visit I had the Linguini and clams in white sauce….now don’t expect some kind of Alfredo sauce. This is called white sauce to differentiate it from a traditional red sauce. The white sauce is more of a clear broth made from the clam juices and some garlic….delicious. Bella Napoli offers the ubiquitous spaghetti and meat concoctions, but if you do have to have “spaget,” be sure to have the meat balls….some of the most tender you will ever slide over your lips. In my first visit with Italian friend, we shared an appetizer of muscles in wine and garlic broth….made two mistakes here: one...shouldn’t have shared….wanted them all for myself; second was asking for the muscles -- while they were certainly good and fresh (not frozen as a lot of restaurants serve), I should have just ordered a bowl of the wine and garlic broth for dipping with the homemade bread served up when we first were seated, or perhaps a straw would have been even better.

On my most recent visit with the child bride of over 43 years (yes, she was finally in town long enough to go somewhere with me), Ray came by our table and asked what she was hungry for. Her response was for him to make her whatever he wanted. The end result was the biggest plate of shrimp and chicken Tetrazinni I have ever seen served in the free world. I almost had to carry her out. The desserts do not disappoint either, as the Tiramisu is exceedingly fresh and Michelle makes occasional cakes from scratch. You have to roll the dice on that as she doesn’t have any formal schedule yet, but I have had her Red Velvet and her Italian Cream efforts and am looking forward to the next. Even the cannolis are quite tasty….would love to try Ray’s homemade filling if I could just convince him to make me some….maybe if I bought the ingredients?

I have only one real negative and one perceived one, but we all know perception is reality, so….In my first visit with Italian friend we also ordered the calamari appetizer. Unfortunately, we both found it to be very tough and chewy, something that happens from overcooking, but a minor disappointment considering all of the “little gems” we did discover. The perceived negative I can blame on my new lifestyle….Ray just serves too much food….and we wonder why we are fast becoming a nation of obese slobs, like I was for so long (Ok, no more soap box). I drive by Bella Napoli several times a week and have never failed to see cars in the parking lot. Maybe he has beaten the location curse of the past poltergeists because once you have been, YOU’LL be baaaack.


Bella Napoli
13140 Highway 281 North
Spring Branch, TX
830-228-4333
Open 7 days a week
Beginning at 11:00 a.m.

MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE -- 2009 Edition

Yesterday's 83rd Annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade was longer and more boring than a Southern Baptist Convention. Listed below are a half-dozen observations the Staff at Needtovent felt compelled to pass along...

1. Milton DeLugg was credited as the Musical Director for this event. Born in 1918, Mr. DeLugg is still going strong at the age of 91. We remember him best for his work on both Johnny Carson's TONIGHT SHOW and, later, Chuck Barris' THE GONG SHOW. Needtovent hereby salutes Mr. DeLugg whose musical interludes between singers and marching bands was a highlight of this year's parade.


2. The most insipid, pathetic and annoying singing performance out of literally dozens must go to Mitch Musso, the Hanna Montana co-star, whose rendition of "Shout It Out" was literally projectile-vomit inducing. We can only hope that his fate mirrors another Musso of sorts, that being Benito Mussolini, shown above with his mistress, Clara Petacci. We've already bought the rope...


3. Macy's distinctive Red Star logo was displayed on more banners and vehicles than you'll see at any May Day Parade at the Kremlin.

4. We did find one commercial to be especially enlightening. Without doubt, Needtovent is firmly convinced that any toy manufactured by Fisher-Price is beyond banal. If you want to provide your child with even a modicum of intellectual stimulation, we strongly suggest that you do not purchase anything from this company -- their entire toy line is hebetudiness-inducing for even prenatal children.


5. Among all of the big, inflatable balloons, only one got us thinking: If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? So much for intellectual stimulation...

6. And, finally, thank God for the Rockettes. Their gams were a Hell of a lot more fun to watch than any of the NFL's Thanksgiving Day games.

Until next year...

THE IRONDALE CAFE -- The Worst Meal Ever???

Over the past sixty-plus years I have visited every state in the union and thirty-seven foreign countries. As a result, I have eaten at literally thousands of eateries -- ranging from among the fanciest and most expensive to some of the smallest dives well off the beaten track. Most of the time the food is pretty good, but there have been a number of regrettable meals which remain seared in my memory.

For example, there's the Peking Duck I was served at a restaurant in Beijing that was so fatty I named the poor bird "Arbuckle." If nothing else, this culinary experience made me realize that if reincarnation is true, I absolutely, positively do not want to come back as a liposuction machine.

I also remember a pu pu platter served in Austin that was so shockingly awful, it almost killed a Needtovent staffer. It was worse than poo-poo, that's for sure.

The same holds true for any number of "mixed grill" offerings served while attending the Varna International Film Festival in Bulgaria. Even Alfred Packer wouldn't have been able to digest the various meats which comprised this ubiquitous entree during Todor Zhivkov's reign as President of that impoverished country.

And, of course, there is the Olive Garden -- but I'll discuss that topic at another time.

Which brings me to the Irondale Cafe located just outside the city limits of Birmingham, Alabama. Originally a hot dog stand, which later added hamburgers, barbecue and a variety of sandwiches to the menu, the business was purchased by Miss Bess Fotenberry in 1932, and shortly thereafter the Irondale Cafe (aka the original Whistle Stop) became well-known for its signature dish -- fried green tomatoes.


As it turns out, Bess Fotenberry's niece is Fannie Flagg and her book featuring the restaurant became a best seller. And in January, 1992, the movie version of FRIED GREEN TOMATOES premiered at the Cobb Galleria Theatre in Birmingham. The place became an over-night sensation and tourists from around the world flocked to this small eatery, with most ordering fried green tomatoes. After all, why not? Even the local newspaper ran an article with the headline: "Seen the movie? Now taste the title."

So far, so good.


Which brings me to the evening of November 7, 2010, when yours truly, accompanied by the same Needtovent staffer who barely survived the dreaded pu pu platter, decided to eat at what some consider to be an American icon. Icon my ass, what "icon" tell you is that this was among the worst meals either of us have ever experienced.

I'll be brief -- the breading on my catfish was muculent -- there's simply no other way to describe what was on the plate. As for the celebrated fried green tomatoes -- they were soggy and the only taste associated with them came from the oil used. Even the dinner rolls were terrible -- being greasier than a Puerto Rican's pillow.

To be totally fair, the service, such as it existed, was adequate.

Maybe this wasn't the single worst meal I have ever experienced. Then again, maybe it was. But what I can say for certain is that you must not be mislead by the dozens of testimonials appearing on the Irondale Cafe's website -- they constitute the largest collection of fiction this side of Oxford University.

CAPITALISM: A LOVE STORY

And Jesus says: "I cannot heal you my son...you have a pre-existing condition."

That's just one of many hilarious scenes in Michael Moore's latest offering -- CAPITALISM: A LOVE STORY. Although most reviewers refer to Moore's films as documentaries, they are clearly more one man's one-sided point of view regarding serious issues in contemporary America. If you have ever spent a couple of hours (or more) listening to folks like Limbaugh, Hannity or Beck, Needtovent strongly recommends you give Michael Moore 120 minutes of your time as well. We are confident that you will walk away from the theater entertained, enlightened and, most likely, infuriated as Hell.

CAPITALISM: A LOVE STORY is probably Moore's best film to date -- it is certainly his most personal since ROGER & ME. And although he continues to use a scattershot approach, the enormous size and complexity of the subject matter this time around actually lends itself to his style of filmmaking. Among the multitude of issues explored are:

"Dead Peasant Insurance" -- life insurance policies taken out by Fortune 500 companies on executives, and, in the case of Wal-Mart, lowly "associates" as well. Should the insured die, the beneficiary is the company, not the deceased's family. In these cases, the company actually profits when their employees die, the sooner the better, thus collecting up to $5 million in hard, cold cash as one of the cases explored up-close and personal revealed. While the origin of the name "Dead Peasant Insurance" remains unknown, it certainly serves as a metaphor for the prevailing attitude of callous corporate America.


Another topic explored is the risky, reckless, rapacious Wall Street gamble known as "derivatives." These "spin-off" investment instruments are so complex not one of the three financial experts, including the Department Chairman of Harvard's Finance School, can explain them. In fact, some are apparently so complicated that they are created by computers and not even the software authors fully understand them. The bottom line: if there is a default on a mortgage, the investor wins -- big. And if there isn't a default, the investor can still hedge his bet by also betting the derivative will fail. (How convenient.) It's a win-win for the investment firm -- and a toxic, egregious lose-lose for the average American family.

Other segments explore:

The horribly low pay for airline pilots -- we are shown a "Give a penny to a pilot" jar at the boarding gate of an airliner to underscore the severity of the problem (first-year pilots often earn less than the assistant manager at Burger King).

The widening gap between the richest and the rest of America -- the richest 1% of the population has as much accumulated wealth as 95% of the poorest. Citibank has even declared in private memos that America is now a plutonomy. It sure seems like we need more Howard Beales and fewer Walter Mittys among 95-99% of our population.

The foreclosure epidemic -- one family in particular is profiled as they are unceremoniously kicked off their farm that has been in the family for over four generations.

But perhaps the most revealing sequence is the fascinating, dynamic archival footage of President Franklin Delano Roosevelt appearing on camera advocating a Second Bill of Rights. According to our sources, this Movietone News footage, shot at the explicit invitation of an ailing FDR at the end of his last State of the Union address, has never been seen previously -- for some reason it wasn't included in the newsreels of the day. Of course, with Roosevelt's death this Second Bill of Rights was never enacted here, in the United States, although many of its provisions are now in the constitutions of Germany, Italy and Japan -- which were all authored with considerable American input and involvement after WWII ended.


Love him. Hate him. But don't ignore him. CAPITALISM: A LOVE STORY is definitely worth seeing. Roger Ebert said it best, at the very least you'll come away realizing that with corporate greed and Wall Street shenanigans the order of the day, capitalism means never having to say you're sorry.

Please go see CAPITALISM: A LOVE STORY. We predict you'll leave mad as Hell...and that's a good thing.

BRING ME THE HEAD OF...TEDDY BALLGAME

One of Needtovent's favorite movies is BRING ME THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA. Directed by the incomparable Sam Peckinpah in 1974, the film was recently selected by none other than Stephen King as one of his favorites also. Needless to say, during the course of this often-overlooked gem poor Alfredo's noggin receives more abuse than the average Comal County taxpayer.


(Warren Oates -- with Alfredo's head in a paper bag. No seat belt?)

But when it comes to depraved head games, Peckinpah is more than trumped according to a recent article by Nathaniel Vinto, a New York Daily News Staff Writer. Since we at Needtovent can not possibly embellish the shocking revelations presented by Mr. Vinto we have elected to simply re-print just some of what Vinto has written.


("Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer." -- Ted Williams)

From the New York Daily News, Friday, October 2 -----

Workers at an Arizona cryonics facility mutilated the frozen head of baseball legend Ted Williams - even using it for a bizarre batting practice, a new tell-all book claims.

In "Frozen," Larry Johnson, a former exec at the Alcor Life Extension Foundation in Scottsdale, Ariz., graphically describes how "The Splendid Splinter" was beheaded, his head frozen and repeatedly abused.

The book, out Tuesday from Vanguard Press, tells how Williams' corpse became "Alcorian A-1949" at the facility, where bodies are kept suspended in liquid nitrogen in case future generations learn how to revive them.

Johnson writes that in July 2002, shortly after the Red Sox slugger died at age 83, technicians with no medical certification gleefully photographed and used crude equipment to decapitate the majors' last .400 hitter.

Williams' severed head was then frozen and even used for batting practice by a technician trying to dislodge it from a tuna fish can.

The chief operating officer of Alcor for eight months before becoming a whistle blower in 2003, Johnson wrote his book while in hiding, fearful for his life.

He told the Daily News then he had received death threats and was moving from safehouse to safehouse. Johnson plans to come out of the shadows Tuesday, with his book and an appearance on ABC's "Nightline."


The book describes other atrocities at Alcor's facility in Arizona, including the dismembering of live dogs that were injected with chemicals in experiments, and a situation in which human blood and toxic chemicals were dumped into a parking lot sewer drain.

Nothing in the book is as gruesome as Johnson's descriptions of what happened to Williams' body after it was sent to Alcor at the direction of Williams' son, John Henry Williams, who died of leukemia in 2004.

Johnson writes that holes were drilled in Williams' severed head for the insertion of microphones, then frozen in liquid nitrogen while Alcor employees recorded the sounds of Williams' brain cracking 16 times as temperatures dropped to -321 degrees Fahrenheit.

Johnson writes that the head was balanced on an empty can of Bumble Bee tuna to keep it from sticking to the bottom of its case.

Johnson describes watching as another Alcor employee removed Williams' head from the freezer with a stick, and tried to dislodge the tuna can by swinging at it with a monkey wrench.

The technician, no .406 hitter like the baseball legend, missed the can with several swings of the wrench and smacked Williams' head directly, spraying "tiny pieces of frozen head" around the room.

Johnson accuses the company of joking morbidly about mailing Williams' thawing remains back to his family if his son didn't pay his outstanding debt to the company.

Reprints of invoices show that Alcor president John Lemler charged $120,000 for the honor of "suspending" Teddy Ballgame's body.


("Ted Williams studied hitting the way a broker studies the stock market." -- Carl Yastrzemski)

Johnson said he hopes his book will help fulfill the wishes Williams expressed in his will - that his body be cremated and the ashes "sprinkled at sea off the coast of Florida, where the water is very deep."

-30-

THE BEST PREDICTION EVER!

Step aside Nostradamus. The same for Terry Morris, my personal gridiron guru. Yes, a new clairvoyant has recently surfaced and we at Needtovent believe he is the greatest of them all -- at least based on his uncanny prediction over this past weekend during an otherwise meaningless Seattle Mariners game in Toronto.


(Mike Blowers)

Meet Mike Blowers, a one-time player for the Seattle Mariners who now does the color commentary for the American League team. Blowers was participating in a pregame segment called “Picks to Click” when he was asked which Mariners player would end up having a big day. He went with M's infielder Matt Tuiasosopo, a player who had just been recalled from the minors and whose brief major league career had been fairly rocky at best. But there's more, oh-so-much more ----

Blowers then went so far as to predict Tui’s first big league home run...

That it would be hit on a 3-1 count...

That the pitcher that the home run would be hit off of would be Blue Jays starter Brian Tallet...

That the at-bat that the home run would be hit in would be his second of the game...

That the pitch that the home run would come off of would be a fastball...

And, finally, that the location of the home run would be left-center field.

Everything came true, exactly as projected by Blowers.

I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say that nobody, and we mean nobody, has ever correctly made a baseball prediction as insane, as detailed, and as accurate as this -- never, ever...


(Matt Tuiasosopo)

Truly unbelievable -- but don't take our word for it. Here's a link for Mike's pre-game prediction and for the actual play-by-play call from Tuiasosopo's 5th-inning tater in Toronto.

http://www.baseball-reference.com/blog/archives/2753

STEPHEN KING'S TOP 20

Recently "The King of Horror" -- Stephen King -- wrote an article stating, "Most summer movies are hell on earth. Fortunately, heaven is only a rental away." We at Needtovent couldn't agree more.

Here's Mr. King's list of entertaining films to rent during the summer:

20. WHITE HEAT
19. MR. PEABODY AND THE MERMAID
18. POINT BLANK
17. TITANIC
16. SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER
15. CURSE OF THE DEMON (1958)
14. Stephen Spielberg's 1941
13. CUJO
12. THE CAINE MUTINY
11. THE THING (He prefers John Carpenter's 1982 remake)
10. DR. STRANGELOVE
9. BRING ME THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA
8. KISS OF DEATH
7. DIE HARD
6. THE BLUES BROTHERS
5. THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
4. THE WILD BUNCH
3. SLING BLADE
2. WAGES OF FEAR
1. SORCERER (William Friedkin's remake of WAGES OF FEAR)

Other than a few exceptions, we think this is a marvelous selection of divergent and wonderful films, especially his inclusion in first and second place two often-overlooked classics -- SORCERER and WAGES OF FEAR. Kudos to King for recognizing their ability to generate incredible suspense -- if you have never experienced a Sphincter Pucker Factor of 9.9, then you definitely must see one or, preferably, both.


Personally, we would not have included 1941, CUJO or DIE HARD, although they are admittedly fine films which do entertain. (We defer on MR. PEABODY AND THE MERMAID since we haven't seen this one.) And, of course, we would not have chosen THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT -- a remarkable cultural phenomena, but as a motion picture we find it terribly lacking.

Replacing the aforementioned four titles we suggest -- THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY, BUBBA HO-TEP, DETOUR (1945) and ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST. Then again, yesterday we might very well have listed I WALKED WITH A ZOMBIE, A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT, THE WORLD'S FASTEST INDIAN and KING OF HEARTS.

That's the fun thing about Top 20 Lists (or any ranking of favorite movies -- there are so many great ones we find it impossible to be absolute).

Send us your list -- Needtovent would love to see what you think.