NUMERO UNO

"When we look into their eyes we see loyalty, we see trust, we see honesty and friendship. We see love."

No, this quote has nothing to do with the pathetic presidential candidates parading all over the country in search of the biggest prize this side of the Smithson Valley High School Homecoming Queen Coronation. In fact, when it comes to the front-running political dogs we are stuck with it is more accurate to say, "We see disloyalty, we see mistrust, we see dishonesty and false friendship. We see love of power and pride and greed."

But on one magic night in February, 2008, all was right with the world when Judge J. Donald Jones had the courage to award "Best in Show" at Westminster to a 15-inch Beagle named Uno. This was the first win for a Beagle ever in the history of the Westminster Kennel Club and it was the first win for a hound of any kind since 1983.

Could a Basset be next?

3:10 TO YUMA

"I hate posses."
Charlie Prince in 3:10 TO YUMA

Generally speaking, "I hate remakes" since the vast majority are nowhere near as good as the original. This begs the question: Is it possible that the recently released 3:10 TO YUMA can hold a candle to the 1957 classic starring Glenn Ford as Ben Wade and Van Heflin as Dan Evans? The odds are against it, but Director James Mangold has crafted a very solid re-telling of the Elmore Leonard short story smartly adapted for today's audience by Halsted Welles, Michael Brandt and Derek Hass. This new version wisely preserves much of the intense, intelligent dialogue between the two main characters in the final act which made the earlier film among the best Westerns ever. In addition, Mangold and company have expanded the action and the drama by adding approximately twenty minutes of backstory regarding Dan and his family. The net effect is that Dan's character and motivations are made crystal clear and his ultimate fate is even more poignant. Be advised that the screenplay does suffer from several annoying plot holes big enough to drive a Butterfield Stage through, but all-in-all this is a smart and stylish production which more than holds its own when compared with the original.


Of course, it doesn't hurt being blessed with a terrific cast headed by Russell Crowe as Ben and the always remarkable Christian Bale as Dan. Together these two forge a unique and memorable relationship that alternates between hatred and admiration. It is a credit to their consummate acting ability that we buy into these characters lock, stock and gun barrel. The rest of the cast is solid, with Peter Fonda especially noteworthy in a relatively small but pivotal role. I purposefully didn't mention his character's name so that you might try to spot him on your own. I dare say that many will not -- here's hoping we will see more of Mr. Fonda in the future.


Saving the best for last is Ben Foster whose portrayal of the evil-to-the-core Charlie Prince literally steals the show. Back in the days when the Western was a far more popular genre there were a score of actors who helped establish highly successful careers playing memorable villains in the Old West. Terrific actors like Richard Boone and James Coburn and Lee Van Cleef and Strother Martin and Lee Marvin and Eli Wallach and Jack Palance. As Mick LaSalle, a reviewer for "The San Francisco Chronicle" once said, "There's evil, and then there's Jack Palance evil."

That's what Ben Foster brings to 3:10 TO YUMA -- Jack Palance evil.

Alas, they don't make Westerns like they used to; at least not very often. 3:10 TO YUMA does the genre justice, and the upcoming PALO PINTO GOLD will hopefully do the same. There'll be more about this new Western featuring Roy Clark, Mel Tillis, Kinky Friedman, Joaquin Jackson, Trent Willmon and Joanna Goode announced soon. I should know, I'm one of the Producers...

SPECHT'S GENERAL STORE

Review of Specht’s General Store and Restaurant
By Jerry L. Nelson


If you venture out far enough into the, seemingly, most remote area of the Texas Hill Country near Bulverde, just north of San Antonio, you’ll stumble across this hill country restaurant and general store. Ah, General Store, where one can buy provisions for the long trip back to civilization and, perhaps, get a quick bite for sustenance. After all, from the looks of the giant Texas flag-painted roof, Specht’s has been in business since the fall of the Alamo, having taken up the flag and marched on to right where it is today, nine miles north of 1604 off Blanco Road, at 112 Specht Road, according to their web site, in San Antonio.

Well, close enough.


Actually it’s been in business since 1887, operating as a dry goods store, vaudeville house during the 1890s, a saloon and about the only place you could get a beer during prohibition. Current owner Kate Mangold took over in 1985 and added the restaurant and that’s what drew Friend, his Significant Other, the Child Bride of nearly Forty Years and me, to the place -- the food. That and the rumors of WW II soldiers bringing German POWs there in the evenings to chat with the local farmers and hoist a brewsky or two…you know, hands across the sea and all that.

You can read all about the history of the place on any one of several reviews posted on the walls with words like “SPECHTacular” or “beyond exSPECHTations”, the most recent being over ten years old. While the history certainly adds to the ambiance, we were there for two reasons, the food and the chance to talk with any of the remaining old-timers who might have some, heretofore, never published gossip about the place.


Alas, we had to settle for the groceries and our server, Liz, who admitted to us she had only been there five years and gave us a capsulated version of Texas history, circa 1930s and 40s. If only we had been thirty minutes earlier, she told us, one of the genuine “old-timers” was holding court at the bar (beer and wine only). There's live music every night they’re open (Wednesday through Sunday), but take the booth in the far back corner so you can still have a conversation all the while enjoying the music. On this night it was provided by Lynn Isaaks and her six string acoustic.

But I digress.


Let’s get to the food; I’m hungry. We started our adventure with two appetizers -- a small order of Jalitos ($3.95), nothing more than cream cheese stuffed jalapenos with ranch dressing for dipping…nothing special there, and then went for an order of homemade onion rings ($3.95). We were told the kitchen makes them fresh on the spot and doesn’t use the standard frozen product so many places do…and we were told the truth. A generous serving was placed on the table and managed to outlast the four of us. The only negative about them was the rings could have been a bit more crisp, but excellent as they were. We washed all the apps down with a bottle of Rosemont Cabernet Sauvignon (a very reasonable $18) chosen from a very limited selection of wines, but then I suppose this place did not get its reputation serving wine to those POWs.


Understand this is no gourmet restaurant so don’t expect to find exotic creations on the menu. This is your basic, down home comfort food joint and don’t you forget it. If you order the CFS for $9.95 (chicken fried steak for you imports) or the 6 oz. fillet ($14.95) you won’t forget it. The Chicken Fried was fork tender sitting atop the homemade cream gravy with a generous serving of mashed potatoes adjoining it with more of the gravy in the well. Served next to all of that was an overly large pile of the freshest green beans made with chunks of real bacon for a flavor first created by your grandmother. If you’re not wearing an extra pound or two the next day, you just didn’t eat it all.

I’m always a bit suspect about steaks that are served by any place other than a “name” steak house…but if the quality and preparation of our fillets were any indication, you have no need to worry at Specht’s. Our steaks were prepared as requested, medium rare, and were fork tender. In fact, Liz, the five year vet, checked with the kitchen and assured us our steaks were just cut that day and would even be an ounce or two more than described…and she came through as promised. I’m embarrassed to say I left a bite of the most medium rare tenderloin fillet I have ordered out in years. I’ve paid more than twice as much at those high dollar steak places in the big city and gotten far less.


By now we were on our second bottle of wine, which doesn’t hurt the atmosphere at the table when someone mentioned dessert. Friend and his Significant Other both shook their heads in rejection leaving it up to the Child Bride of nearly Forty Years and me to make the rest proud. We ordered a slice of Apple Pie ($2.25) and what appeared to be half of a Carrot Cake ($4.95). I requested utensils for all. It’s a good thing I did for I would have been highly embarrassed had Friend’s Significant Other been forced to use her fingers on the Carrot Cake. The apple pie was homemade and outstandingly good, but the Carrot Cake stole the dessert award. Never before have I actually seen julienne pieces of carrot in a real Carrot Cake until this one. They are usually so chopped and cut up they get lost in the (food snob word warning) mélange of ingredients. Not this one…they were there and added to the texture rush. Order it, you won’t be disappointed.

Dan Christiensen, the cook for the evening, came out to our table near evening’s end to check on things…a likable sort, who’s been there just one month short of Liz. Maybe that’s why Specht’s General Store and Restaurant has lasted all these years…the help seems to hang around for years at a time in an industry where the turnover rate is traditionally sky high.

The only real disappointment of the evening (you didn’t really think I was going to finish without one, did you?) was there were no POWs with whom to quaff a brew or two. Oh well, I’m not up on my Arabic, anyway. But I’ll definitely go back for the food.

WHAT'S DUMBER THAN "DUCK AND COVER?"

Let's see if I get this straight. The President and the House of Representatives have joined forces and announced a "stimulus" package that will give me a $600.00 tax rebate to quickly boost the American economy and lead this nation back to prosperity.

As Lord Byron once wrote, "Crimini, jimini! Did you ever hear such a mimminy pimminy story...?"

This "generous" $600 rebate means that every day over the next full year I can purchase a Hostess Twinkie at the local Tiger Mart and still have a shiny quarter left over for something else. I can't recall when I have ever felt so "flush."

Or is it "flushed?"

As in down the toilet.

FIEND WITHOUT A FACE

Hallelujah! British director Arthur Crabtree has just joined the exclusive ranks of such luminaries as Altman, Truffaut, Fellini, Hitchcock, Eisenstein, Fassbinder and Godard thanks to the prestigious Criterion Collection having just released FIEND WITHOUT A FACE in its "continuing series of important classics and contemporary films." This is a terrific and well-deserved honor.


I first saw FIEND WITHOUT A FACE when I was an impressionable ten-year-old-boy living in New Braunfels, Texas. The tagline simply declared: "Invisible Monsters Suck Out Your Brains!" And they suck out spinal cords as well. What else could I have asked for back then? The same question holds today, some fifty years later.


Some critics have called FIEND among the very first "gore films" ever. That's a bit of a stretch, although it was banned in several countries when it was first distributed in 1958, while here in America the MPAA required several minutes to be cut because of scenes deemed to be "too disturbing." Thankfully, the Criterion DVD restores the film to its original 74-minute running time. And what a remarkable seventy-four minutes this is.

The screenplay by Herbert J. Leder was adapted from a frightening short story by Amelia Reynolds Long that first appeared in the greatest pulp magazine ever -- "Weird Tales." And it is a weird tale giving us invisible creatures emanating from pure thought which feed on atomic energy until they grow in strength and, finally, materialize approximately fifty minutes after the opening credits. The wait is well worth it.

Crabtree's direction keeps the story moving along crisply. Marshall Thompson (with over 100 acting credits listed at IMDB.com) does a good job playing Major Cummings, the Air Force officer who ultimately saves the day. Kim Parker portrays Barbara Griselle, the obligatory female love interest with perky breasts and a winning smile. Kynaston Reeves, as Professor Walgate, is solid in his role that is somewhat reminiscent of Walter Pidgeon's Dr. Morbius character in FORBIDDEN PLANET. In fact, FIEND and FORBIDDEN share another similarity in that they both explore the concept of a destructive power residing within the subconscious of each and every one of us. This is heady stuff that is presented extremely well in both cases. In addition, both films are great examples of what sound can do to enhance the feeling of doom and/or terror by an unseen enemy. But it is the slurpy sounds uttered by the attacking creatures in FIEND that will keep you away from a 7-11 for a long time to come. Oh thank heaven for Major Cummings.

One more thing -- the animated main menu on this Criterion DVD is priceless. You won't have a more entertaining, fun introduction to a film anywhere. Heck, this feature alone is worth the entire rental fee.


FIEND WITHOUT A FACE is far more than a low-budget sci-fi/horror flick -- in fact, it ranks among the most rigorously anti-intellectual films of all time. Clearly a product of Cold War paranoia, FIEND reflects the period in which it was made. It was a time (much like now, unfortunately) when any type of thought that did not conform to very conservative and traditional lines was treated suspiciously at best, and, all-too-often, was even considered treasonous. In this particular case the biggest danger facing mankind is the misuse of atomic energy -- the de facto result of anyone other than the U.S. government possessing such enormous power. (Maybe Bush is right about Iran and North Korea after all).


Historical, sociological and political perspectives aside, it is the Harryhausen-style stop-motion animation that makes the biggest impact. These disembodied brains made a lasting impression on yours truly, serving as inspiration for the creature appearing in my very first film, THE HORROR OF APRIL 27TH. In this case the creature is an alien who lands in the Texas Hill Country only to be confronted by a gun-toting teenager driving an old Willys Jeep station wagon. (A gun-toting teenager? Hey, don't forget this 8mm masterpiece was shot in Texas.)

Instrumental in the production of THE HORROR OF APRIL 27TH was Mike Byrnes, my Co-Producer, Co-Director and Special Effects Whiz. Also assisting in this endeavor was Tim Hufft, Jim Brietzke and Jon Meyer. Feel free to confront any and all for their involvement in helping foster my "checkered" motion picture career.


THE HORROR OF APRIL 27TH premiered, appropriately enough, the evening of April 27, 1964, in my backyard at 576 Willow Avenue. The audience consisted of approximately thirty friends and family members and one Beagle. The friends and family members were very complimentary; the Beagle showed a remarkable degree of indifference.

Always trust the instincts of a dog...

KINKY FRIEDMAN FOR PRESIDENT?

The voters of Texas got it wrong in the most recent election for Governor.

Dead wrong.

Oh well, at least for one day the Kinkster was the Governor of the Lone Star State thanks to his appearance in a key scene for PALO PINTO GOLD, currently in principal photography at the Enchanted Springs Ranch just outside of Boerne. That's yours truly with Mr. Friedman just prior to his taking the stage in front of 60+ Western-clad townsfolk with Bexar County Judge Nelson W. Wolff, News-Talk Radio Revolutionary Chris Duel from KTSA and, of course, Little Jewford at his side. Writer/Director Anthony Henslee deserves a great big KFC ("Kinky Friedman Cigars") Corona for "righting a wrong," at least on the silver screen, as well as possibly giving us a glimpse of the future.

You see, the climax of this series of scenes has the Honorable Nelson Wolff saying: "Governor Friedman, in light of the fact that this is a presidential election year and not one of the current political candidates has the ability to think, all of us in Palo Pinto want you to know that if you decide to join in this race our vote is for you."

Kinky's reply: "President Friedman. Hmmmm, why the hell not?"

Why the hell not, indeed...

Watch for more updates on PALO PINTO GOLD in the days and weeks ahead.
Robert A. Nowotny, Associate Producer and "The Town Drunk" (Talk about typecasting!)

THE BUCKET LIST -vs- BUBBA HO-TEP

The Smackdown. Two motion pictures share a similar theme. Both have a pair of geriatric geezers (one white, one black) undertaking adventure in the twilight of their lives. Both films are entertaining, but can the big budget, major studio offering with an "A List" cast and a big name director trump a small, independently-made gem based on a Bram Stoker Award nominated short story? Can Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman best Bruce Campbell and Ossie Davis? Is gallimaufry globetrotting more poignant than fighting giant roaches in Nacogdoches? Will the Hollywood-based screenwriter from NYU's film school hold his own against the Mojo Storyteller from the Big Thicket in East Texas? In short, will "The Bucket List" command as fervent and as loyal a following as "Bubba Ho-Tep?"

Fruit of the Loom jumpsuits and a Maxwell parachute -- "Good to the last drop!" What's next?

The Challenger. "The Bucket List" stars two of the biggest, most well-respected actors of our time. Nicholson plays Edward Cole, an enormously wealthy, crotchety cancer patient whose hospital roommate is Carter Chambers (portrayed by Freeman), a middle-class auto mechanic with a big family, a longtime marriage and a penchant for "Jeopardy." He, too, has only six or so months to live. Together they concoct a list of things to do before "they kick the bucket," and thanks to Cole's financial capability the sky's the limit, literally, as they jet their way to the French Riviera, the Serengeti, the Pyramids, the Taj Mahal, the great Wall of China and on to Tibet. AARP would be proud. Yes, it's a wonderful, albeit, brief life they live, to the fullest, with a lesson or two being learned along the way. There's no question that Screenwriter Justin Zackham pitched a terrific premise for Rob Reiner to direct. And Nicholson and Freeman undoubtedly make the most talented "odd couple" ever. Clearly "The Bucket List" seems to have everything in place to make it a box office hit.


To save money, the patients at the Mud Creek Convalescent Home are provided Maxwell House coffee instead of Starbucks.

The Champion. "Bubba Ho-Tep" opens with three sentences of voice-over that rank among the most outrageous, audacious and bodacious lines in the history of American cinema. And that's just the beginning of a wildly imaginative tale concocted by Joe R. Lansdale and adapated to the screen by writer/director Don Coscarelli that proposes Elvis Presley is now a 68 year old resident of an East Texas nursing home. Of course, no one believes that he is the real deal despite the remarkable resemblance (portrayed brilliantly by Bruce Campbell) and his unrelenting insistence that he swapped lives with an Elvis impersonator so he could escape the hassles of unprecedented fame. I said no one believes him; that's not entirely true. One old codger (played by the late, great Ossie Davis) does accept Elvis' story as true. Then again, this man believes he's none other than John Fitzgerald Kennedy and his now-black skin is just another example of the Johnson Administration's evil ingenuity. What a pair -- and so the stage is set for the King of Rock and Roll and the King of Camelot to undertake the greatest challenge of their lives. You see, residents of this nondescript convalescent center are dying at an alarming rate and the culprit isn't Old Man Time. Rather, it is a soul-sucking Egyptian mummy who just happens to be in the area thanks to a nearby highway accident. And while the mummified soul sucker's roaches are no match for a swift bedpan, he's the real deal as two full body burns will attest.

The Scorecard. Surprisingly, "The Bucket List" borders on being a Hope-Crosby "Road" picture replete with some rather cheesy stock footage backgrounds reminiscent of "The Road to Zanzibar." Despite various technical glitches, Nicholson and Freeman do an admirable job of keeping the viewer entertained in what could have been called "The Road to Cremation." That's star power...but it is star power engulfed in a black hole thanks to the disappointing screenplay by Justin Zackham. Purportedly written in a mere two weeks, it is readily apparent that, despite the best of intentions, Zackham needed not only more time, but more inspiration and another Big Chief Notebook Tablet or two. On the other hand, "Bubba Ho-Tep" works on every level -- it is touching, it is convincingly acted, it is extremely entertaining, it is thought-provoking and it succeeds because it treats its outrageous premise with total sincerity. Let me emphasize that it is also very well written.

The Decision. "Bucket" or "Bubba?" "Bubba Ho-Tep" is a triumph of the human spirit. Coscarelli has an uncanny way of making us really care for Lansdale's cooped-up old coots living their last days in ignominity. Unfortunately, "The Bucket List" fails to do the same. Ironically, one of the items on "The Bucket List" is to "witness something truly majestic." When comparing these two feature films, it is "Bubba," not "Bucket," that comes closest to that goal.