Tuesday, September 23, 2008


"Speaking of ballroom, these pants are very, very tight."
(Jeffrey Ross)

The Seventh Edition of DANCING WITH THE STARS is now upon us and for most red-blooded American males this marks the beginning of another Season of Joy that might only be rivaled by the opening of Deer Season, Baseball Season, Bowl Season (the BCS notwithstanding) and, of course, "March Madness." Who needs to pay extra for The Playboy Channel or XTSY when ABC will telecast something this stimulating for the cost of basic cable? Yes, pants will get tight, glad I wear boxers...

The above-quoted Jeffrey Ross, aka "Roastmaster General," is one of thirteen "celebrities" vying for the coveted Mirrored Ball and lasting fame, if not fortune. Mr. Ross is considered to be the "Meanest Man In Comedy" -- a title that might be appropriate only because Triumph the Insult Dog is a canine and Lisa Lampanelli is, well, a different kind of dog. Still, Ross does have at least a modest following as do all of the other "celebrities" to one degree or another. And speaking of "degrees," what does it matter when every one of the pairings has at least one super hot partner?

Besides Ross, this year's celebrity line-up includes:

Lance Bass -- a member of the pop group NSYNC
Toni Braxton -- a six-time Grammy Winner
Brooke Burk -- regularly ranked as one of the sexiest women alive, even after four children

Susan Lucci -- "the most famous face in daytime television" -- she will be appearing in her 10,000th episode of ALL MY CHILDREN soon
Rocco DiSpirito -- the celebrity chef and cookbook author
Maurice Greene -- two-time Olympic Gold Medal Winner
Kim Kardashian -- last year she was selected as "Rear of the Year" -- honest
Cloris Leachman -- actress with 9 Emmys, one Golden Globe and one Academy Award (she's 82 and the oldest celebrity by far, yet she's not afraid to use a little cleavage to improve her score!)
Cody Linley -- the youngest celebrity ever to compete on the show -- age 18 -- plays Jake Ryan on the Disney show HANNAH MONTANA
Misty May-Treanor -- two-time Olympic Gold Medal Winner (volleyball)
Ted McGintey -- a rather obscure actor whose most interesting credits include roles in REVENGE OF THE NERDS and MARRIED WITH CHILDREN

Warren Sapp -- 13-year NFL career with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Oakland Raiders -- clearly the heaviest of all contestants to date

And then there are the professional dancers who never cease to amaze, both with their feet and, for the females especially, for their tans. Among our favorites are Julianne Hough, Cheryl Burke, Tony Dovolani, Edyta Sliwinska, Maksim Chmerkovskiy and the fiesty, hard-luck...

...Karina Smirnoff. Can you believe Smirnoff has a Law Degree from Fordham University? I say get out the vodka and lets slap a lawsuit on someone!

Keeping things rolling along at a comfortable pace is the quick-witted quipster Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris, the beguiling broad who helps shoulder the hosting duties (pun intended -- do you think she's from Chicago?) And last, but not least, there's the esteemed Panel of Judges -- Len Goodman, Carrie Ann Inaba and Bruno Tonioli, a three-some as zany as the Nairobi Trio. Put these ingredients together and you have a stylish, slightly salacious smorgasbord sure to satisfy couch potatoes from Idaho to Istanbul.

DANCING WITH THE STARS -- exposing more heavenly bodies than anything this side of Andromeda, or even Rick's Cabaret...

(Thanks go to L-Cubed DWTS commentator extraordinaire Lynda L. whose unique insight and overnight overviews provided some of the information used in this Needtovent posting. We feel extremely lucky to be among the dozen or so recipients of these proprietary and highly exclusive e-mails -- there's not been a more notorious or secretive VIP newsletter since Dennis Franchione's infamous Aggieland gaucherie, yet L-Cubed complies with all applicable NCAA rules and regulations! Keep 'em coming Lynda L.)