A FISTFUL OF FLOGGINGS

A Review of “The Passion Of The Christ”

Remember the Spaghetti Westerns of the 1960's? Apparently Mel Gibson does. For all the hoopla and controversy and box office success THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST has generated, the bottom line is that this is an extremely disappointing movie. It would have certainly been better if Sergio Leone had directed the virtually all-Italian cast and crew since this two hour exercise in floggings and flailings has about as much “passion” as the average Ron Jeremy flick.

I'll concede that James Caviezel has the right look (at least as envisioned by Christians living in the Western hemisphere), and he does “keep on ticking while taking a licking”. Having said this, I often felt his character should be named Timex, not Jesus. Given Mr. Caviezel's bland performance, maybe Mel should have cast John Cameron Swayze instead.

You think I'm being too harsh? Well, let me just say that when the totally despicable Barabbas came on screen for a few minutes of tongue wagging and spittle, I found myself wanting the movie to follow him rather than the central character who I am supposed to believe is the most extraordinary individual to ever walk God's green earth…not to mention the surprisingly cheesy sets of this exercise in futility. Never once did I get the feeling that Caviezel's Jesus was someone special or spiritual— his flashback scenes with his disciples and followers yielded nothing beyond a perfunctory delivery of the screenplay's dialogue. Heck, I've been to Tupperware parties where the speaker held my interest better.

If you haven't seen THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST yet, do yourself a favor. Watch the opening two minutes—that's all you will need before doing the sensible thing and asking for your money back. Just check out these three examples of bad filmmaking: Item number one is the very first visual you will see—a cartoon moon if ever there was one. You will have seen a more realistic lunar representation in any of Basil Rathbone's films. The second example is Rosalinda Celentano, the poor actress given the unenviable task of representing Satan and Pure Evil. That, at least, is what I think Mr. Gibson wanted his audience to see. Instead, all I saw was a Middle Eastern homeless woman with a rather bad disposition. Finally, we come to the issue of the shoddy make-up intended to depict the welts, lesions and scars forming on Jesus' body. Looks like a couple of cans of Chef Boyardee were tossed on Mr. Caviezel by several two-year-olds during a food fight. Only Tammy Faye Bakker has come this close to a total lack of believability.

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST fails as a movie in many ways—no plot, no plot points, no character arcs…there's just not much you can hang your shroud on. At best, this is an extended “skit” shot on film (with at least one close-up terribly out of focus). However, there may be one miracle after all—Jesus sports a silver filling on his right molar in one of the endless close-ups of his writhing in agony. Yep, a filling as big as a Buick hubcap right up there on the silver screen. Imagine that…

(Be advised that in the DVD version this scene may have been replaced with one that masks the dental work. I have not personally screened the DVD since I could not bring myself to waste another two hours watching this pandering pretentiousness.)