THE LONGEST YARD

What's more rare than an ethical politician? I can only think of two things: A Texas A&M “Yell Leader” with even a modicum of intelligence (Texas Governor Rick Perry included) and a Hollywood remake that equals the original. There simply isn't one viable candidate for the former. As for the latter, I proffer THE LONGEST YARD—a remarkably satisfying remake that is every bit as entertaining as the 1974 version.

Adam Sandler surprises as Paul “Wrecking” Crewe, the down-and-out boy toy ex-NFL quarterback who has to live with the fact that he once did something outrageously “Un-American”. No, he didn't disgrace himself by buying a case of French Bordeaux (a sincerely unpatriotic act that I hope more flag waving patriots will refrain from doing so the price of the excellent 2001 vintage will thus become more affordable for yours truly). Rather, he did something just as heinous—he was involved in a point-shaving scandal while playing for the Steelers some six or seven years earlier. I had expected Sandler's performance to be as dreadful as most Steeler quarterbacks since the winning days of Terry Bradshaw and the Steel Curtain, but he embraces the role and actually comes off as a creditable athlete.

Kudos also must go to Chris Rock, especially after dropping a bigger bomb than the Enola Gay during his misguided hosting efforts at this year's Oscars. As “Caretaker”, Chris' rapid-fire one-liners are like having Rodney Dangerfield on speed and it was good to see him back in top form.

James Cromwell replaces Eddie Albert (who unfortunately moved on to greener acres having succumbed to pneumonia on May 26th, just one day prior to the nationwide opening) and he does a stellar job of capturing the depraved and feeble mind-set of the average wanna-be Texas politician. Another casting choice I want to mention is that of Cloris Leachman who excels as the horny secretary originally portrayed by Bernadette Peters (a hoot as “Miss Toot” in the earlier production). Both these actresses come across as more frightening than the actual ingredients of an HEB fish stick. Finally, among the dozens of larger-than-life supporting actors and supporting jocks who populate the prison and the gridiron, a flirtatious nod must go to Tracy Morgan, the sauciest of the transvestite cheerleaders.

Speaking of Tracy, I must do a little “venting” when it comes to the writing credits for this film. The original screenplay for THE LONGEST YARD was written by another man named Tracy—in this case it is Tracy Keenan Wynn. The grandson of Ed Wynn and the son of Keenan Wynn, Tracy is a very well respected Hollywood writer. Among his credits are THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF MISS JANE PITTMAN, THE DEEP, THE DROWNING POOL and ROBINSON CRUSOE. For this re-make his inexplicably diluted credit reads “1974 Screenplay By.” Some yahoo named Sheldon Turner is given sole “Screenplay” credit. Talk about “money for nothing”. With the notable exception of the one-liners by Chris Rock and Adam Sandler (most obviously being written by these two comedians themselves), the new version borders on a word-for-word, scene-by-scene re-make.

Just what in hell did Mister Turner do? Maybe he retyped the original script—or at least the cover page. Maybe he has lips like Deborah Harry and knows just what to do to get the word “head” in front of the word “writer.” Whatever it was, this is a travesty—and the sad thing is that he apparently has another “gig” (or should I say “gag”) coming up, that being the “writer” for the as of yet untitled TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE prequel scheduled for principal photography in 2006. With two existing CHAINSAW MASSACRE films to plagiarize from, I can only assume Turner will be up to the admittedly minuscule challenge.