THE LAKE HOUSE

There's a chance you will find THE LAKE HOUSE laughingly awful, thanks to poorly written lines and Keanu's delivery of the world's least convincing sneeze.—Matthew Turner, VIEWLONDON

Mr. Turner is being kind.

Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock purportedly fall in love with one another in what is undoubtedly one of the dumbest movies to come down the pike in years. The main connection between the two lead actors is that they both either live in or have previously lived in the same lake house—a ghastly glass edifice of maybe 800 square feet that sits on stilts along the bank of a large pond somewhere outside of Chicago. What the art director attempts to pass off as an architectural gem is nothing more than a well-worn, waterfront collection of windows. Pass the Windex, please.

The major problem facing our protagonists is that Bullock is living in the year 2006 and Reeves is living in the year 2004. Thankfully, the U.S. Post Office is somehow able to deliver mail back and forth to one another at supersonic speed. In fact, each time a letter magically arrives the flag on the dilapidated mailbox gets an erection that Bob Dole would be proud of. This signals, of course, that yet another letter has found its way over two years of separation. It's truly amazing what our proud postal workers are able to achieve; take that, Internet…

Of course, this doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

The primary culprit in this cinematic catastrophe is screenwriter David Auburn. Mr. Auburn is the Pulitzer Prize-winning author of “PROOF” which, among other accolades, also received the Tony Award for the “Best Play” on Broadway in 2001. Despite these impressive credentials, his adaptation of a South Korean film (SIWORAE) gets totally lost in the translation. My advice is for Mr. Auburn to stick to the Great White Way and never, ever attempt a screenplay again.

In the final analysis, THE LAKE HOUSE simply doesn't make any sense. In fact, the entire screenplay is full of more holes than a wino's Fruit-of-the-Looms. And the intended touchy-feely existential romance between Reeves and Bullock never materializes; there is absoultely no chemistry or passion between them. Topo Gigo and Trish Putterman would be more engaging to watch.