MAN OF THE HOUSE

MAN OF THE HOUSE is the first film in cinema history shot in “Bevo-vision”. Yes, for the first time ever the University of Texas at Austin has given Hollywood filmmakers full and unrestricted use of the college's name, facilities, uniforms and traditions. Alas, too bad they selected this particular production to do so.

To begin with, the screenplay is so poorly constructed the 1999 Texas A&M Bonfire looks good in comparison. Meandering more than a lazy float down the Guadeloupe River in August, the underlying story misfires on almost every occasion. Too bad Charles Whitman wasn't available to help.

It is obvious the studio knew they had a mess on their hands since the initial theatrical release received about as much fanfare as this year's Baylor University football recruiting class. I cannot help but wonder if some of the Asian-born Sony Executives found their faces turning Burnt Orange in embarrassment. Most perplexing of all are the scenes with Cedric the Entertainer. They are as out of place as Bob Stoops having dinner at Threadgills. There's also a scene where the long arm of the law retrieves a cell phone from the business end of one of Bevo's cousins that is questionable at best. Thank God this film wasn't shot in 3-D.

Tommy Lee Jones plays a Texas Ranger (the law enforcement kind, not the steroid-addicted kind) who must housesit five incredibly sassy-but-oh-so-alluring Longhorn cheerleaders. One of the remarkable things about MAN OF THE HOUSE is that testosterone-oozing Tommy Lee never seems to be even remotely aroused while literally surrounded by this bevy of beguiling beefcakes. My guess is that craft service kept copious quantities of saltpeter on hand.

To be fair, Tommy Lee's deadpan demeanor and the curvy cuties' eye candy combine for a number of entertaining moments. With bellies flatter than Lubbock, this quintet of coed quintessence declare, “We must maintain navel visibility”. While this line of dialogue sounds like the President describing the presence of the U.S. Navy's Eighth Fleet in the Mediterranean, I, for one, am glad they succeed in doing so throughout the 97-minute running time. Without question, every one of these five nubile young actresses is as tasty as the cheese enchiladas at El Patio.

On a personal note, the multitude of Austin locations and campus sites brought back fond memories of my own glorious days chasing young twenty somethings at the old Forty Acres. Director Steve Herek also attended the University of Texas at Austin, but apparently he did not graduate. Chalk one up for UT maintaining a modicum of academic standards.

MAN OF THE HOUSE is by no means the worst film of the year, nor is it anywhere close to being the best. In the final analysis I find it to be the cinematic equivalent to having a blind date with a Gamma Phi Beta. You know you aren't at the top of the heep, but there can be some fun moments along the way.