JUMANJI

JUMANJI is just one of many disasters produced by Interscope Communications, a company that has released more crap over the years than Ex-Lax.

Fresh on the heels of the pathetic OPERATION DUMBO DROP and the downright disgusting THE TIE THAT BINDS, Executive Producers Ted Field and Robert W. Cort decided to roll the dice one last time before 1995 came to a close. Talk about a couple of Hollywood Turkeys—I'm referring to both the films and the bozos behind them.

In JUMANJI the premise, essentially Stephen King meets Milton Bradley, might have merit had it been undertaken by anyone else with access to a camera—Beavis and Butt-Head included. Based on the 1981 book by children's author and illustrator Chris Van Allsburg, JUMANJI tells the tale of a mysterious board game in which every roll of the dice leads to horrific consequences. And, according to screenwriters Jonathan Hensleigh, Greg Taylor and Jim Strain, this is a game that must be 100 percent completed before any players are permitted to quit. Although there's no exit strategy allowed while playing this deadly game, those unfortunate to be viewing this mess do have the ability to walk away at any time. The sooner the better…

The big attraction, of course, is Robin Williams. His fans will be severely disappointed. Playing a part so bland that anyone (R. C. Slocum, Schimmel Bladehorn, even Neville Chamberland) could have been chosen without losing a beat—JUMANI simply doesn't allow Williams to showcase one iota of his immense talent. Creatively, there hasn't been a bigger casting error since the DORF ON FISHING video series.

Among the dire consequences which bombard the board game and its players are giant mosquitoes (although it should be noted that anyone from Houston would hardly take notice), a gang of unruly monkeys, a lion in need of a nap, a monsoon, an earthquake and a stampede of creatures that I first mistook to be housing developers and real estate agents on their way to the Texas Hill Country. Upon closer examination I realized these blurred and non-thinking animals were supposed to be rhinoceroses, elephants, zebras and, believe it or not, a giant pelican or two. Suffice it to say that all the money spent on these not-so-special effects rival the Halliburton contract for lack of value received.

Not to be outdone, Director of Photography Thomas Ackerman treats us to a painfully long out-of-focus shot of Bonnie Hunt standing in her doorway. But the most unbelievable gaffe of all takes place when Robin Williams drives away in a hardtop (with a powered sunroof no less) and in a few scenes later he screeches to a halt in a convertible. Give the continuity people some credit, at least this second car was the same basic model and color.

As a game, JUMANJI is more distasteful than playing spin the bottle with Leona Helmsley and Tammi Faye Baker. As a movie, JUMANJI is more inept than last year's Democratic presidential campaign. As a critic, I've only scratched the surface when it comes to the many flaws within this case of celluloid cellulite. Alas, it's time for me to cease my finger pointing for fear of developing carpal tunnel syndrome.