HOLY CARNAUBA—Bring Out The Drop Cloth…

Ten minutes into HOUSE OF WAX Paris Hilton's character reveals that she is late for her period. By the time we have any action whatsoever she could have easily given birth. Talk about a s-l-o-w start to a movie—watching the first half of this film is like being subjected to Chinese Water Torture. Drip…drip…drip…

This HOUSE OF WAX is the seventy-eighth remake of 2005. Like 99% of the others, it doesn't hold a candle to any of the earlier versions. In fact, the 1953 edition starring Vincent Price, Frank Lovejoy and Phyllis Kirk was a true classic. Not only was it the very first 3D motion picture produced by a major studio, many believe that it represents Mr. Price's best screen performance.

The best that the Warner Bros. marketing department could come up for this effort was: “On May 6th…See Paris Die!” That's tepid endorsement, indeed. But here's the real killer (and I don't mean the twin waxaholics played by Brian Van Holt)—there's NO TITTIES! What in hell was First-Time Director Jaume Collet-Serra thinking? Doesn't he know one of the most important must haves within the guts and gore genre is to show a boob or two? For shame…

Elisha Cuthbert's performance as Carly Jones is the best thing in the movie and the ending scenes almost wax poetic. That's too little and too late. Like an alter boy within the Boston diocese, this is one candlelight service you best stay away from.